After retirement I had plenty of time to invest in relationships, especially with women in the neighborhood and church groups. I taught Bible studies, led prayer groups, hosted hundreds of people for breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. I called, I checked in, I took food when people were sick, and at the end of the day very few, maybe two or three, returned reciprocal friendship.
After years of this, I grew weary of the effort.
Sadly, I have discovered most relationships are only acquaintances, not friendships. Few people put mutual effort into cultivating relationships. It takes work and few people are willing to step up and make the effort.
After ten years of teaching Bible studies in the neighborhood, I had hoped for more in terms of friendships. After a bigger God-assignment, I had hoped the relationships made in this effort would come to something, only to find almost none of them came to anything. Sadly, most of the relationships I thought were grounded in the Lord and lasting have come to nothing.
Once again, I have learned that “good friendships” were only an illusion. “If you are on my team and play ball my way and do what you are told,” you are “IN!” If you don’t play the “game” their way, you are “OUT!” The relationship factor was a joke.
For a long time, I have believed that the quality of the “golden years” was partially measured by friendships. I am being forced to rethink what relationships and friendships really are.
True relationships are not:
- Here today and gone tomorrow.
- One sided with a “giver” and a “taker.”
- Unyoked with no unity.
- “You play my way or you don’t play.”
- Smiling to your face and backstabbing when you aren’t around.
The list is endless.
What’s my point about reciprocal friendships? Do an honest assessment of who the Lord counts worthy to truly be your friend. Spend time and cultivate these relationships.
Shed and be done with frauds who wear you out and show no loyalty.
There are family members who wear us out and drain us dry and give nothing in return. Maybe tight boundaries are needed here.
Rethink your relationships.
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Thank you, Brenda, for sharing your experiences. I too have learned to adjust my expectations of people knowing that some are with us for a season, some are with us so we can pour into them without expectations – without depleting ourselves – and some are heaven sent and have the same definition of friendship as I. Not to say I don’t still get disappointed by some, but this bit of wisdom which has come with age and experience is very welcomed. I join you in thanking God for it!
Hi sweet Anne, this post really hit a nerve with women. I had so many readers respond that my experience has been theirs. No they don’t feel so bad! 🙂
I always appreciate your wisdom and honesty. Yes, we do learn as we live and grow, and become hopefully more like Jesus. Bless you, and thanks so much for reading and responding. Brenda
Great reminder!!
Thanks Tonya. Lots of women responded to this one. I think it hit a nerve in all of us. Blessings. Thanks for responding. Brenda
What an insightful article that is full of truth that I didn’t see for a long time either. One of my long-time prayers has been to ask God to bring true friends into my life and my husband’s. We want a church family in which someone genuinely loves and cares for us and that we can reciprocate without being used and taken for granted. I pray that you will also encounter true friends in your life who will be a blessing to you and appreciate you. I believe relationships like this are sorely missing in the body of Christ.
Hi Patricia,
Thanks so much for your comments. Yes indeed. Everyone longs for real, mutual and beneficial friendships, but they are incredibly hard to find. Do you and your husband have a church home in Murfreesboro? We have a house church, but not currently going to church. I will soon publish a post titled, “Homeless Church Lady.” That tells the rest of the story, or at least part of it. Blessings my friend, thanks so much for reading and responding. Brenda
Brenda, I have found this lack of reciprocation to be very true. I also thought that when all my peers retired from the workforce around the same time as I did, they would have more time to spend socializing, but that is not the case. They either do not feel well, are busy with their grandchildren, or otherwise just too tired or perhaps lazy to plan any get togethers. It is very disappointing. I tend to just accept the minimal amount of time they can allot to our once far more active friendship rather then eliminate them entirely because if I did that, there would be no one left-LOL. The rest of the time, I just do my own thing–shopping alone, reading, watching movies, taking care of the house and finances. Too bad you don’t live in Florida or we could get together! -Carol
Hi Carol,
I am sad to hear this has been your experience as well. This post hit a nerve with many of my readers. So many women responded they have found all of this to be true for them. If I didn’t initiate everything, there would be no contact with most. This has been the part that has been so wearisome. I must saying writing this post and “getting it out there” has helped me step over into a new place of acceptance of “it is what it is.” I will be very cautious going forward to befriend those I don’t know. I have learned a lot of painful wisdom from all of this.
Yes, it would be nice if we lived closer together. Often wish I lived in Florida, but I love the amazing change of seasons we have in Tennessee.
Thanks always for your responses. Hopefully, I will start to write more. It is a vulnerable job!!
Blessings my friend, Brenda